you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
