Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
