too bad you live with your parents still
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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