Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
