He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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