dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
