i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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