And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
