I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
