Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
