wrigley field is MILF paradise
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
