Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
