take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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