Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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