Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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