Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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