you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
