I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
