now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
