You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
