final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
false alarm, still single
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