Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
