So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
