Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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