I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
