Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love you. Go after that dick
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
