my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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