I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
