Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
