Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
