Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
