There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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