now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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