Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
