i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
