I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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