this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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