Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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