someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
