I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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