you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
