I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
