Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
