I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
