Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
