Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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