my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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