he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
