I haven't been this sober since birth.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
