when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I could make wine with my vomit
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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