Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
