i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
