Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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