My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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