im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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