I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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