The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My feet surprised me
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