In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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