the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
