Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
